The Return

Hi!
This feels like entering an alien territory, my fingers doing an awkward dance on the keyboard not sure of WHAT to tell. How about "it has been sooooo long since I bla bla bla" - scratch that. I think i used that line once and to run it again feels like a horrible cliche. Or maybe a wistful "things have changed so much that I don't know where to start bla bla bla" and that sounds like an emotional rant waiting to happen.

Truth is, I'm in a middle of reality shake-up. It's that blackout phase in your life in which nothing seems to go according to plan. Instead, carefully planned plans spawned into something unexpected, but-not-always-bad-sometimes-shocking sort of thing. Like that plan to take dancing class. Too busy, no time. Or learn how to bake banana cake. No time, too busy finishing novels (let's face it, Jess is no domestic goddess). Or that person you thought you can't live without. Turns out you can and he wasn't what you wanted. How about that dream trip that wasn't suppose to happen but will happen soon (God willing) because you're just THAT crazy to face the possibility of being broke for months?

I dreamed of something else a year ago. An entirely different story line, with different cast, different theme song - masterpiece la konon.

Suddenly, as if the earth didn't move and the sun stopped shining, I'm on a completely different path weathering bitchy currents and (un) pleasant surprises. The only thing that God let me keep is the amazing group of people that I love dearly (you know who you are). So shit happens and you cry, you lament, you got angry, you regret, you rant, you accept, you forgive yourself, you let go and you move on, you keep your head high knowing that at the end of the day...

the best part is just about to start.

Stay positive people! #prayforsabah

Welcome February :)

Hello February!

It's the month of loooove. 

Chocolate, candies, heart-shaped balloons, outrageous valentine surprises, candle light dinner for two..and all that jazz.

I had a memorable February last year  *starry starry eyes*

Let's hope the magic continues this year :)

One Step Forward

For all the awesome things that I'm known for (ceh! :P), being a domestic goddess is not one of it. I'm not a good cook or should i rephrase that to "I can't cook". Up until my first year in Uni, the only meal i could cook with confidence is fried rice. I've been harboring desires to learn and get busy in the kitchen but the workload plus laziness hampered all attempts on my part. =_='

However everything changed when SPM happened, and I was no longer a Kitchen Virgin. As the story goes, I stayed back in Pinggan-Pinggan for a couple of weeks to fulfill my duty as an SPM invigilator. With so much free time and the sudden appearance of recipe books everywhere (I've got Kak Asnah to thank for that. Those books are among our entertainment during the long hours of invigilating).

So this particular recipe called "Ayam Kelapa" caught my eye. Mainly because I recognize all of the ingredients and the steps are explained clearly. After 3 days of contemplation, I told myself "stop being a lazy ass and own that kitchen, woman!". On Sunday, Ani and I drove to Kota Marudu to buy the ingredients needed. Highlight of the day? I found out what Daun Kari looks like.

The cooking part was quite comical. Well, I was all alone without anyone to tell me if I'm doing things right. The outcome was quite unexpected. I would like to think that I pull it off! *happydance* The chicken didn't taste weird, it's a bit spicy (due to the Cili Padi & Lada Merah) and there's a hint sweetness to it. (Really Jess? -_-) Sorry,  describing is not really one of my strong suit! Now, on to the pictures :-

PIC 1: This is hpw it's suppose to look like

PIC 2: JESS' VERSION (In Progress)

PIC 3: JESS' VERSION (In Progress)

PIC 4: JESS' VERSION (Completed)

I'm also glad to report that there was no case of diarrhea afterwards.
Hey, this is one thing I could get used to.
One step forward. My next challenge is that banana cake recipe.
Wish me luck readers! :)

Of That Dinner (where I didn't win anything)

I'm such a procrastinator!
>_<
I was swamped with blogging ideas since my last post on November 7 but I put it off, and now i can't seem to remember a single thing about the so-called "ideas". Maybe it wasn't as interesting as I thought. Let's see...ermm...ermmm.. (thinking hard)

(lightbulb moment!)

Not so long ago, I blogged about my dress-hunting plan for my school annual dinner. I decided to break away from the usual white, black, brown choice of dresses and opted for teal or turqoise. It's a wraparound dress - one that compliments my - uh - curvy figure. Found it at a boutique in Wisma Merdeka at just RM 60. Here it is :-

But my most prized hunt goes to that pair of gorgeous nude pumps from Maylana Boutique. Good quality, comfortable and absolutely worth every dime.

***

So it was a great dinner. It was held at Perkasa, Kundasang on a Saturday night - good food, good entertainment and it was great catching up with former colleagues who were invited as well. Here's one of me and a few of my good friends.

Unfortunately, i didn't win anything that night. Not even one of the lucky draw prizes -_-"

The next day, we finally set foot at Sabah's very own New Zealand aka Desa Cattle, in awe of the green EVERYWHERE, the cows and the flowers.

However my favorite shot is this one:

The breathtaking view of the summit of Mount Kinabalu at 6.23 am taken from the balcony of our room at Nabalu Lodge, using a 50mm Canon lens. Gorgeous isn't it?


Ok, that's about it.
Hopefully i win something next time =___='

On the brink

The long hols will start in two weeks. The year will end in about two months. At this time last year, I was still basking in the glory of graduation. I was winning with the world spinning at my will. On this day however, or night if to be more specific,  I'm not so sure anymore. I stand to lose a few things that matter. Things that make up the soul of Jess Big Plan. Unless I do something about it. The hardest part there is. I made myself believe I wasn't a quitter. I told everyone the same thing. Right now, I am ashamed to admit that I just might.

Without trying harder.

Without praying harder.

Such conclusion would freak me out a year ago.

But now, there's that unmistakable scent of surrender and acceptance. Hovering. Mocking.

I know I have it in me.

Courage.

Find it.

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.

It's A Small Joy: Butter Cookies

It could be a smell, a flash of color, a smile, a coloring book or a phrase that immediately brings you back to a memory. Of little moments in the past, that hovers just beneath your consciousness. These deja vus are often heartwarming ones, or what some would say 'a small joy'. Well, I had THAT moment while grocery shopping at the supermarket this afternoon. I was looking for Oat Crackers when something familiar caught my eye....wait..wait for it..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

TADAAAAAAA

It's the Danisa Traditional Butter Cookies! I haven't had a taste since.....can't recall when was the last time but it was surely a LOOOONG time ago. I used to think the Danisa Butter Cookies as a "once in a blue moon" cookies because mum seldom bought it, but when she did, the box would be empty at the end of the day.

 This particular sight never fails to take my breath away. Yummy yumm yumm!

So these are the types of the cookies in the box. Believe it or not, I just found out what they are today. -_-

This one's my favorite. Always have, always will. The Vanilla Ring cookie.

I love bumping into remnants of my childhood. This particular one reminds me of simpler times, when all I need to do to feel happy is have a Vanilla Ring Cookie, a hot Milo and my dog Tudy (now deceased). God and His little reminders! :")

It's A Girl Thing

Sofia Vergara's coral gown at the Emmys is a beauty. It hugs her figure perfectly and most importantly, it doesn't blend with the carpet. If only I have toned arms like hers, I would love to wear something like this to my school dinner. Which reminds me, I have one month to find the perfect dress.

Like any other girls, I love dress-hunting but the stress that comes with it? urghh! The shoes comes next, and then what to do with the hair? what kind of make-up? Accessories? Can you feel me dawg?

I still don't have a specific theme in my head. I usually determine one before going shopping. I miss shopping with the girls, now I have to do it all alone :-/

Oh well, wish me luck readers!

p/s TV shows such as Glee, Modern Family, The Vampire Diaries, House etc have returned. Here's to experiencing download frenzy everyone! ^.^

Jesscylopedia: Entry 1

I love how you could come across totally random information on the net with intended/accidental clicks on blog links, Facebook posts, tweets, etc. For instance, I was reading my Twitter timeline when this caught my attention:

@staronline Body odour? Gene disorder may be the culprit
You might not know that: there's an uncommon genetic disorder called the "fish-odour syndrome" that probably causes some people to have "troublesome, unexplained body odour". Also, the scientific name for bad breath is chronic halitosis. Rather than risk hurting your friend by telling her that she has bad breath, you might want to lessen the blow and say "I think you have chronic halitosis. Might as well see the dentist".

Next, I wouldn't know that our very own Miss Universe Malaysia 2011, Deborah Henry created giant waves in the recent Miss Universe pageant if it wasn't for those links on Facebook. Congrats Deborah! It's been awhile since our queens made it big in international pageants.

On a different note, I would like to highlight Miss Phillipines answer during the Top 5 Q&A. I like how she phrased her words to represent her belief and principle without being controversial. We all know how people sensitivities are easily pricked when it comes to religion issues.
This is a snippet of her answer to the question - "Would you change your religious beliefs to marry the person you love? Why and why not?"
 "..And I have my faith, my principles, and this is what makes me who I am. And if that person loves me, he should love my God too."

Moving on, BOO! SQUEALLLLL!

Boo was another discovery while browsing Time.com. Yes, that's a real dog of Pomeranian breed who is a public figure on Facebook with 1,761,496 likes as of Sept 18. 9.11pm. Boo has a book titled "Boo: The Life Of The World's Cutest Dog" (currently in stores), has made appearances on TV in the US and list "wearing shirts" as his favorite pastime. +__+

If you're a dog lover, check out Boo's facebook page and ogle the pictures. Urghh @_@ cuteness overload.


Welllllll.....I would love to ramble yada yada yada yada etc etc bla bla bla some more, but that will have to wait until Entry 2..or whenever I'm in the mood to write. Take care awesome people!

A Dash Of Pink For The Grumps

Dear readers,

Here’s a list of questions by my students that never fail to make my day.

1.     “Teacher, mau tulis nama ka?” (On a scale 1-10, this always makes me mad. A nameless worksheet is pretty much USELESS!)

2.     ‘Teacher, mau tulis ka tu?” (usually asked right after you JUST instructed them to write in the exercise book. Grrrrrrr)

3.     ‘Teacher, buku apa mau guna?” (On the right side of the white board, the word “WRITING BOOK” is clearly written in capital letters.)

4.     “Teacher, hantar?” (When you’ve repeatedly told them to pass up their exercise book when the lesson ends)

5.     “Teacher, berapa haribulan hari ni?” (After a month of having to tell them that today is ___ of ______ 2011, I make it point to ask them before the lesson begins. There are still a few idiots who ask)

6.     “Teacher, boleh kita masuk library/Bilik Akses/Makmal Komputer/?” (One after another will ask the very same question though I have just answered the person before in a LOUD and CLEAR voice.

7.     “Teacher, pulang sudah ka?” (Students in my 12.50pm class are a restless bunch. Because I’m mean, I never let them off earlier than the official 1.30pm bell)

But sometimes, despite being bombarded by the same idiotic questions everyday, there are those rare days in between when they simply reminded me of the joy of being a  teacher.

“Teacher, saya siap!” said Kristus, who is not that bright but hardworking when pushed to the right direction.

“Teacher, apa maksud ‘paddock’?” asked Fairul, who never finds English interesting (would rather stare into space) but after that one lesson of ‘Flipping Fantastic’, he makes it a point to understand every single word in the short story :’)

And one fine day, before I left my Form 1 class, a student came up to me..

“Teacher, for you”

A single flower.

Ah, the small joy. Thank you God, for the reminder ;)

All Hell Breaks Loose

22nd of July marked the first year anniversary of Jess, the working woman. In the span of three months that I went M.I.A, a mixture of things happened. I know I'm a changed person. I have entered the profession because of passion, because I wanted to be an educator. However, there were a number of times that I wished I was someplace else doing something different. The workload, time, money and amount of energy spent at school and on the students are overwhelming sometimes. Even passion comes second when the spirit is battered.

The good part? - the pay is just enough for a good living. Now that I've got Jack ;-

my financial management has changed drastically. And shopping falls to the 'least important' section. From here now on, the main question when out shopping is "Shoes OR Jeans OR Dress Or Make Up?". Sucks right? but yeah, that's what adulthood is all about - balancing debts, wants and needs while enjoying life and the drama that comes with it.

Huarghhh , even I feel bored typing this particular post. Complaints and all that noise is not going to improve things, but at least I know I have something going on in life that's worth getting up to every mpr. Well, two cents to those who are just starting in the working world, make sure your financial management is on the right track. You don't wanna work just to settle the debts, that's a sad sad life ya'll.

So I'm ending this post with R.I.P dedication to the late Amy Winehouse. Thank you for the music Amy, hope it's better for you up there.

Oh....

And also a promise to blog as often as possible. Pinky Promise.

Bye now! xoxoxo

The Frost Complex

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, I'm sorry I could not travel both"

One of my best friends once said to me "Everything  that has happened is an excuse for something else to happen". Do you believe that even the mere act of NOT taking out the trash at the usual time could cause a chain of reactions that leads to something bigger? One slip of the tongue, just one look at someone, maybe an accidental brush of the arm, or coincidently reaching for the same ketchup bottle on the rack. One thing lead to another and the next thing you know, you're at a tricky junction.

Where do I go from here?
Can I go back?
Is it too late?
Why?

There are people before us who have been there. They have grappled with the same fear, anxiety, unsureness Is this the right path?
Should I brave the unknown?
Some of them made it. Some of them didn't.
But the question is -
"Are you going to make it?"

I wish there is a Replay button at every tricky junction.
Or maybe a magic mirror that tells you which road to take.
No.
Perhaps what you are really asking for is not for God to turn back time or any of those Doraemon tricks.
You just want an Off button.
So that whichever road you choose to tread on,
it will be devoid of pain
OFF

Metamorphosis

Hello?..hellooooooooooo *echoes*

Wow look at the date! It's been awhile aye? Miss me? :)

I've been away for so long that I feel the need to update you, dear readers, on the recent happenings in my life. o Assuming that you do care, cuz yeah, I've been out of the radar for like MONTHS which translates to DECADES in blogspeak:)

Here We Go In One Breath:

IhavegraduatedIhavefulfilledmylifelongdreamtobeaneducatormetnewamazingpeopleismaybeinloveand still as crazy as ever. I used to look up to my aunts (they were in their early twenties then) and thought, damn! they are so mature, so sure of themselves, so serious about work and yada yada yada.

PHEWW!

And guess what? I'm turning 24 on the the 24th of March and I don't feel any different. Except that I have a clearer view of what I want in life. I still sucks in the budgeting department and I can't cook to save my life. Oh wait, there is another plus! I was looking through some old pictures this morning and it dawned on me that I finally got the thick hair that I've always wanted since I was 13 at the age of 23. My hair was so 'nipis' back then that it inspired my mum so much she named me "Besar Kepala" -_-'

I lived the first three months of 2011 purely on a leap of faith. There is drama once in a while. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it mends. I think it's God's personal apology for making me go through such a lame teen hood so He creates so much drama for me this time around :P Joke Joke..hehe

Bah, enough for ice-breaking post, Should have done this in January. Punyalah ketinggalan ~sigh~

Have a good March people! 

P/s Pray For Japan. Pray for those who have lost their loved ones :(

Love always, Mrs Bert :)

I Remember

“It's surprising how much of memory is built around things unnoticed at the time”

I have a little space in my heart.

In it contains a lot of you.

As I walked on without turning back,

This tiny piece of memory will always be yours.

I will carry it with me..
forever :)

Sunset :)

Trampled On

Cultural Sensitivity.
Yeah right.
Some people, like you, you and you flaunt the words around to serve your prejudices.
As if I was born yesterday.
Aif I wasn't born HERE - Sabah. Negeri Di Bawah Bayu.
So don't even dare to imply that I haven't considered all (if any) possibility of offending any types cultural sensitivity. Unless they are yours, kan?

I don't understand why some people get worked up over a dance <gulp> <gasp>. Modern dance, for instance does not, in any way, encourages osculation, fornication or wankinism or wayward thoughts. People dance for fun - activities that are enjoyable or amusing.
Not everything screams the birds and the bees okay.
Loosen up a little, will you?

Professionalism.
Have the decency to inform me in advance before pulling the plug next time yeah?
Not after I've worked so hard (all that time and money) only for it be canceled in the eleventh hour.
Just because I'm a youngsinglenewt-----r doesn't mean I have no life nor does my forehead bears the initial L.

The hurt and embarrassment was too much.
But yeah,
Shit happens.
So tell me,
How do you initiate change,
when even baby steps get trampled on?

Hope

Hope is the Thing with Feathers - Emily Dickinson

"Hope" is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest sea,
Yet never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me. 

 **

For a split second, I dared to hope. 

A brief, happy summary of what could be

But in the end, reality prevails.

You will always be the one who got away.

As I will be too.

The Way I Am

I have always stand alone.

Chasing dreams, painting stars.

I have always stand alone.

Cutting through the darkness,sewing on patches.

I have always stand alone.

And I like it.

Comfortable.

Safe.

Do you get it now?

Acceptance

A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked.

After a month here in Pitas, I could look you in the eye and say, "I'm fine here" with so much honesty that it could make you cry at how much this whiny person has changed. After much soul-searching (for the lack of better term), I am so thankful to God for this opportunity to live my dream. Though it might not be a bed of roses with very few good days in between, I believe in good karma.

I have 25 teaching hours per week. Five classes (Form 1, Form 2 and Form 4). I've expressed my interest in teaching Form 4 and I got it, but Form 1 and 2? 

Dread! 

Fortunately, I was proven wrong. Dead wrong

After a week teaching them, I realized that teaching the lower secondary students has its own charm. Kids have little inhibitions, eager for attention and they generally rock your life by making your lesson plans come true. Ask them to act, sing, dance, and mime, etc they will do it...just as long they like you.

My Form 4 kids have so much potential, but with years of very minimum exposure to English, they need to work harder than most people.Can you imagine not knowing what a blog is in this digital age?

It's devastating! 

Gandhi once said, be the change you want to see in the world.

Baby steps, Jess.

Wow, I'm actually talking about serious stuff!

Teacher-talk suits me just fine, yeah?

All is fine and acceptable for now. 

My first salary which is around 3kplus is still untouched. (WIN!)

Not much but it's 100% mine :) All mine!

Twirl now,

Because we have a lot to spin and skip about.

How You Remind Me

Sometimes, (especially in the past two weeks) I forgot WHY I'm here. Too busy being a whiny baby.

Sometimes, I need to remind myself WHY I'm here.

And guess what?

The reminder came to me.

It's like, the big guy up there is trying to tell me:

"Stop moping" 

and

Remember how and why you came to be here.

p/s yang ini kira lucu juga la. Ada dua budak Form 3 came to see me during recess. 

"Cigu, ni present untuk cigu". 

"Aikk, cigu pernah masuk kelas kamu ka?"

"Tida pernah"

"Jadi kenapa kamu bagi cigu hadiah?"

"Sebab kami mau rapat-rapat sama cigu"

*speechless*

Darlin' it ain't that easy

Readers,

I am officially a teacher now.

A working woman.

A freakin’ adult!

Yeah, I don’t feel like celebrating…yet.

I’ve been posted to a secondary school in the rural district of Pitas. The first thing that came to mind was FMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFML

The recurring theme of my first week here was MOPING. Even though the school turns out to be nice, the PK1 extremely helpful, the Kerani is super efficient, the teachers are friendly BUT somehow, I don’t feel settled. I don’t know what to expect other than the worst. I miss my family, my friends, and my dog. Well, starting over is a pain in the ass. You know what I mean.

My second week started on a good note. I finally got my table in the Teachers Room. The teachers I’m staying with are awesome housemates; they didn’t mind that I couldn’t cook. I hang out with two other new teachers at school – Tim and Diah. I think we are going to be good friends for a long time :) Have I mentioned that clean water is like GOLD here? Even the school buys water for daily use. At one point, I’m gonna have to start buying water WHEN the huge well that they pumped water from runs out of uh, water (wow, that’s a lot of ‘water’ in one sentence) No, I haven’t seen the well and yes, we use water pumps here.

However, the one thing I can’t stand is the unstable internet connection. There is no 3G coverage in this area; even Broadband of any kind is snail-slow. The school wireless connection is my only hope of going online but even that only works well for a few hours before the usual “Server Not Found" crap. Oh, the fact that electricity goes out every few hours for at least ten minutes EVERY DAY is not helping.

So, I’m getting Streamyx in two weeks. With internet, anything else is bearable.

The irony of the situation is that I have waited and expected this (to be sent to an interior school) but apparently experiencing it is a whole different matter. Adjusting takes time right? Besides, I’m here for a reason. It is time to put the six years of higher education to use and produce my first batch of students.

That thought alone is enough to get me through every day. (memotivasikan diri..hehe)

So bring on the little monsters already.

p/s I’m pretty sure Taylor (my dog) is missing me right now.

The Holiest Thing Alive

Sometimes, it's embarrassing how much my Ma is still the same overprotective nag like she was when I was 12. 

Ten years ago: "Makan sayur banyak-banyak supaya kurang sikit jerawat ko"

Now: "Itulah ko tidak makan sayur. Tingu kulit ko banyak scar."

Ten years ago: "Ko sudah minum susu ka?" She forced Nespray on me

Now: "Ko sudah minum susu ka?" She forced Alpha Lipid on me.

Ten years ago: "Jangan lupa botol air ko atas meja" 

So I'm forgetful.

Now: "Mama suda kasi sedia botol air ko. Jangan lupa lagi macam kemarin" 

I was in my final year in college and I still forget my "botol air". Old habits die hard.

Ten years ago: It's always fried rice and hot milo for breakfast. It always took her ten minutes to wake me up for school.

Now: Toast bread and hot nescafe for breakfast. She knocks on my door "E-C,  pukul 5.30 sudah ni, bangun!"

She never let me, nor my little sister out of sight when we were little. I had to sulk for two days before she finally relented and let me go to my first camping trip. I don't have to ask for permission now but she still calls when I'm out - "mau hujan lebat ni" which is mum-speak for "be home early".

There was one time when I went to a friend's house to watch Titanic. It was 1998, I was 12 and Leonardo Di Caprio was a revelation. I didn't tell her because the friend's house is 2km away. She wouldn't allow me to walk on my own, you know, because bad guys are everywhere. That's what she told me every day. I decided that Titanic would be worth braving the threat of bad guys and..uh head hunters. She flipped out when she got home from school and I wasn't there. 

Later that night..... 

Relax ma, I said, I only went to a friend's house.

Ya, but I didn't know where you were and I was worried sick.Don't ever do that again..yada yada yada...

Last year, I went on a trip to Penang. By bus. From Shah Alam. It was a wonderful trip. On the journey back to Shah Alam from Penang, it was near midnight and we are still on the road. She called every hour, asking where I was, how much longer until we reach Shah Alam. I got annoyed. Ma, no need to freak out. The bus driver is driving slowly. It was near 3am when I got home at Shah Alam, Now I can sleep, she said. 

My dad called later in the afternoon, telling me that mum didn't sleep well last night worrying about me.  

Just, be careful ok, don't worry us so much, he said.  

Will do, pa.

I am 23 now. Mum still cooks me breakfast. Forces me to eat veg. Calls me when I'm out, reminding me to be safe. Get on my case if I skip breakfast or shop too much. Nag me to sort out the ever expanding stuff in my room, tell me to keep my long hair or tone down the junk food. 

Between 1998 and 2010, a lot of things happened. The highlight? - I grew up. But for some strange reason, Mum never got that memo. To her, I'll always be that little girl that cuddles up to her at night.

So I get it you know, I'll always be her little girl. Age is just a number anyway.

And I wouldn't it have it any other way.

HAPPY 45th BIRTHDAY MUM!

 I love you :)